Them 4 a.m talks

Conversations

Baatein.

Guftugoo.

Solitude may serve us well, but one must also converse, keep the dialogue of the universe in motion.

And the conversations that take place  raat kay chaar bjay, kher un ki tou baat hi aur hai.

4 a.m is the mystery hour after all, the hour of yearning , the hour of insomnia , bla bla..

Haha!

(Seen the TED talks on the 4 a.m mystery? Please do , hilarious!)

Seen this cheesy quote before?

I recently met up with a friend after almost ten years and we were talking about introversion n extroversion n what has served us best in our ten years apart.

And she's like "Amna, log jitnay bhi achay dost kiun na hon , jis ko jab mauka milay, aap ko nanga kar chorta hai"

Truly , as explicitly as she put it, this is the truth.

Now, Alhamdulillah I have the most amazing friends and shukar hai abhi tak izzat rakhi hui hai but aksar aisay hi hota hai.

Log enjoy kartay hain.

Log leverage akatha kartay hain.

Log prey on your insecurities.

Tou banda baat karey tou kis sey karey?

Also,there is a lot of stuff that you can't discuss, not even with your mom , not even with your bestfriend, as a matter of fact even the most outspoken exroverts amongst us tend to keep that one layer intact, impenetrable ; the last page of the open book taped in , unread.

So where do you go carrying that burden?

Banda akhir kis k agay dil halka karey?

Also also, Is it just me or do the rest of you also find it getting harder to communicate with people?

I mean yes, hello , hey, small talk , kia dekh rahey ho, kia sun rahey ho aajkal, bas idhar tak hi manage hota hai most of these days.

Anyways, It was three-ish late night and I was lying in my room, lights off kar k, worrying about something.

Text aya.

I didnt feel like talking.

Instead of pressing me on k btao ,btao, btao, kia hua hai this person (Thankyou, you know who you are) suggested that I get up , perform wudu, and offer two nafal and pour it all out to Him.

And so I did.

And the next day.

And the next day.

Religion to me has always been an extremely personal affair, and the thought of writing about it too commercial.

You don't write about your relationships, now, do you?

But then again , we are all struggling and just because of this new habit, I am struggling a little better.

How?

Well heres how..

It has made me more grateful.

I started by thanking Him one day for putting me in the state of mind I am right now, for I have worn many drab, woolen thinking caps through the years  and only He and I know what it has taken to arrive here. 

The next day, for the endless love he has surrounded me with, in the form of family and friends.

The next for this sense of belonging that has suddenly settled in me, a very rare feeling and as I have come to experience, a human need.

And it hit me how the list is inexhaustible , Alhamdulillah!

And how for years, I have lived in the ivory tower of ungratefulness, always drawing comparisons and thinking about the many imaginative ways to kill myself, Astaghfirullah!

I am learning to trust.

Zindagi mein baray khoobsurat inkishaaf hotay hain , and one changes, from being the person who would tell every random detail about everything to the random girl sitting next to one by chance at a random shaadi, to someone who is distrustful to the extent of weighing each sentence a thousand times before speaking and choosing to remain silent in the end.

"Leave the world behind you, five times a day" they say.

But how about choosing to leave it behind you, one more time, in the wee hours of the night?

Imagine having a conversation with Him, as everyone else lies asleep.

Imagine Him listening to your supplications.

Imagine Him answering?!?

TAHAJJUD IS THE BEST 4 A.M TALK YOU WILL EVER HAVE.
Period.

I read this beautiful account somewhere :
When Habeebah al-‘Adawiyyah prayed , she would say, “O my God, the stars have come out, people have gone to sleep, and kings have closed their doors, but Your door is open. Every lover is alone with his lover, but here I am standing before You.” 

Isn't it the most beautiful thing?

It has made me more aware.

It seems like the only time I am truly free of the confines of time and space.

It has brought me peace. 

So a very dear friend, who never lets a conversation go by without talking about Allah (which is the one thing I love the most about her) once suggested, at a time I was incessantly worrying about the uncertainty of where my life was heading (and other things), that I start practicing "Tawakkul".

As Wikipedia defines it, "Tawakkul" is seen as "perfect trust in God and reliance on Him alone."

So I made a memo about her exact words(I am forever indebted to you ,if you are reading this!), a rhetorical one liner, and whenever I had the urge to go on a deranged worrying spree, I would read that and it has lit a light in a little apple-green floating candle within me, a light that has now spread to the the other worry compartments too.

It worries me that I might soon enough be completely worry free, is that humanly possible?

     


And can you imagine my surprise when I discovered I had been uttering such perfect words of Tawakkul in every rakat ,without ever realizing the depth of them?!
‘You Alone we worship and You Alone we ask for help’
[Surah al-Faatihah: 5] "The Opening"
I hope this isn't just for the now and that Allah gives me the strength to keep this light ablaze, not only on paper, or in thought but also if and when He chooses to try me.

(P.S If you are my friend and not in my memo, you need to start making better conversation, Up your game people!)

It has given me something to look forward to.
Back in the fat days, I used to look forward to night time cause of the pancakes I would make at four in the morning.
Now its a totally different affair.

(I still do make pancakes)


It makes me feel happy.
For a larger part of my life, I used to believe that life is meant to be lived in punishment ,I was always too careful of the few moments of happiness as they may slip through my fingers a-n-y time now-w.
But I realize now that Allah wants us to be happy.
Islam teaches us to be happy!

Naaaaaaikis on a roll, man!
It will never cease to amaze me how awesome Islam is.
I mean you are doing something that benefits you and you get brownie naiki-points for choosing to benefit your own self, how awesome is that?

Also.
There is something about watching another person offer prayers.
Am I creepy? or do the rest of you also secretly watch others pray?
Quoting NFK here,
                             "Tum jo aa jatey ho masjid mein adaa karnay namaz
                                    Tum ko maloom he kitnon ki qazaa hoti hai?"
A person praying, uff.

So 2015 draws to an end, and I have a feeling everything is drawing to an end as it is , so here is to welcoming 2016 and praying and watching others pray and praying some more.