"A suitable boy"

"Believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet"

Two books are on my bedside these days, the celebrated "A suitable boy" by Vikram Seth and the famous "Age of Innocence" . These two have long been on my bucket list and amidst the never ending rishta talk that has engulfed us since we graduated , I often laugh to myself on how very appropriate it is to be going through these two magnificent pieces of literature at a time like this, pun intended.
Ah! Have you jumped onto this bandwagon already?
Are you the one with the reins?
Are you a passerby?
Or are you merely a pebble on the rocky road?
Or do you simply not care at all?

It's natural to crave human relatibilty.
Or is it not?
Read on ..

As humans we are designed to seek to be loved but somewhere in that process some of us become prone to losing our own sense of self worth.
As teenagers  raging with pubertal hormones,if any living , breathing being develops the least amount of feelings for you, that alone is often enough to give one's ego a major boost.

But as you grow older you realize how fickle and transient that feeling is and that setting yourself up to seek approval from the opposite sex alone is basically like setting really really low standards for yourself !
Self-fulfillment is the key.
(No guys! No! ewww not that!)

Be whole
One of the commonest mistakes we make in life is looking for some other person to complete us. To fill our void, we move from person to person, resulting in a series of unfulfilling relationships and disappointments. So before you entrust the burden of your own personal fulfillment on another, ensure that you are in a good place yourself.
To believe that another can provide you with what you must seek on your own is to delude yourself dangerously.
Yes! a partner can add sweet dimensions to your life !
Yes! a partner can feel like that missing puzzle piece!
 ( Yes, you! If you are reading this lol)
But to expect another to build you up from scratch - disaster.
So enter another's life when you know you will add to their life and not take away from it.
And similarly, allow another ONLY to enter your life when you know they will add to it.
Warna stay single and stay happy!

Invest in who will be with you your whole life - YOURSELF
Your teens and your early twenties are the times you must, must , must invest in yourself.
Find out what you love, what you itch for, who you want to be.
Love and romance will follow in the years to come.
It's bound to!
I promise you.
Yeh waqt guzar jaye ga aisay ya waisey, but it will shape you into the person you are going to become for the rest of your life, so if you can curb the obvious urge, curb it!
I promise you this, you will look back and be happy you didnt "time pass" through these essential years.

Bury the baggage
Stop blaming yourself for the mistakes of the past.
Kaafi logon ko kehtay sunaa hai kay " mujhay tou ab koi acha mil hi nahi sakta " , " I am damaged goods" , " meri tou kismat hi khrab hai" and so on.
Don't let your unrequited love or past mistakes overshadow what is to come!
Good things await.
It is Allah's promise.
"Indeed what is to come will be better for you than what has gone by. Verily your Lord will soon give you so amply that you will be well-pleased" - Surah Duha

Hope for the nothing less than the very best
Mostly people's "what to hope for" depends on their "what shall kill more"?
Would you daydream and set yourself up for imminent hurt if those hopes are not fulfilled or would you rather dread the worst and be pleasantly surprised at the little good life offers to you?
This confused me for a large part of my life till I came upon this particular hadith, mentioned in Sahih al-Bukhari ;
 “Allah said, ‘I am to my slave as he thinks of me.’ 
In other words, Allah can do for us what we think Allah can do for us.
Therefore the one who believes in Allah should be optimistic and hopeful no matter what. Allah will relate to the person the way the person expects Him to.
So “Call upon Allah while being certain of being answered, and know that Allah does not respond to a supplication from the heart of one heedless and occupied by play!"

Getting over the one 
One of the hardest things in life, they say, is to get over someone you love very deeply and believe that you just can't live without.
Due to unforeseen circumstances , people don't always end up together.
This is how this life is and yet, it goes on!
Jitna bol lo "tumharey beghair nahi reh sakta" , jab sarr pey parhti hai, one has to cope , one should and one usually does.
( Sadly excluding the 19 young men and women I personally saw either die or spend the rest of their lives in and out of endoscopy rooms after some very jazbati decisions)
I know you dont want to be told this but its all going to work out and all you have to do is trust in Allah's plan.
I know you had plans honey! I know you did!
But Who is the best of Planners?
Him!
So ankhein band, trust in His plan and chaltay jao!
As a friend of mine says
"Kashti mein bethay raho, kashti chalnay do, abhi aur bhi achi cheezain ana baaki hain"

Protect your heart - you only got one
Don't exhaust your emotional reserve
I remember telling post-breakup-grieving friends that
 "Pyaar ka kia hai? behta dariya hai! dobara hojaye ga"
But the truth of the matter is the more you chose to indulge yourself in random flirtations, the sooner shall all this lose any meaning for you!
And by the time the person who you are actually going to be spending the rest of your life comes along, you will just be like blkh!
As a teenager, to be honest I often found these restrictions absurd.
But as I grow older I realize that what seemed like restrictions set up by our religion are actually safety measures and when we attempt to trangress these limits set up by Allah we only end up hurting ourselves.
Yes! Emotions are something one has no control over.
You love who you love, uss ka kuch nahi ho sakta! Na hi insaan ki uss mein koi ghalti hai!
But how you channel those feelings is definitely in your control.
To allow it to get to the point from where there is no turning back is sheer stupidity.
I remember dining out with one of my newly married friends and we were discussing the premarital getting-to-know-each-other thing and her husband exclaimed how he didn't even"allow" himself to think about it till their baat pakki .
Now that's smart!

Don't be a coward!
 If you feel the feels, I will urge you to see that through and make it happen , no matter what!
Yes women! talk to your dad about it! It is your God given right to marry the one you love.
And man up guys, send a rishta already!


Are you even ready?
Marriage ,as much as I have heard about it, is not just an extravagant wedding.
Relationships cannot possibly be summed up in one hand in hand profile photo.
Like everything else in life, successful relationships require dedication, input and a certain selflessness.
Before you embark on such a journey, or wonder why you are not being put to test as of right now, maybe stop for a minute and think? Are you ready?
Tick-tock
People might tell you that the time is here and now.
But really, whose time?
What timeline?
Your time will come on your time.
No two clocks are the same.
The timing on your very own personal timeline that ,oh puhleez! does not need to be compared with everyone else's!!, is set by Allah.
And He is the best of planners!
So how could your clock ever wind up wrong?
It possibly can't!
Allah's timing is always right.
The question is , Are you doing what you are supposed to be doing in this particular period or wasting your time wondering about a nonexistant flaw in the machinery?


Where will I find the one

Pakistan ka awal tareen masla
At other people's shaadis? At the workplace? At the college? At that event?
Although the above scenarios have worked out perfectly well for a lot of people, I'll still say that the best way to find love is to to stop looking.
Invest your energy in yourself, focus on what you love doing, whatever makes you happy, whatever fulfills you and the right person will walk in at the right time, trust me on that!
And when they do, hopefully they will find you engrossed in what ignites your passion and they will love you for who you are and there shall be no need for any pretences.
STOP LOOKING people! Lurve will come to you.

How do you know for sure?
Oh you will know!
In case you don't, Istikhara to the rescue!
And that is better than any pros n cons list you could ever come up with.
Ask Allah to guide you and once you get the green signal , go for it!
(P.S As is commonly mispercieved , the green signal does not HAVE to be a dream, it could be anything! from things going forwards smoothly to a certain calm in the heart)

DO NOT SUCCUMBDO NOT, and I repeat this a million times, DO NOT GIVE IN TO PEER PRESSURE!

I know society has been tuned to percieve marriage as a milestone but you and I both know it's not!
So do not settle!
Do not give in!!
Do your thang and go for it only when you feel the feels!

The best supplication
I picked up this dua from a story that is truly life transforming.
It transformed Hazrat Musa's life and as utopian as it may sound, I truly feels like it has blessed my life in unimaginable ways too.

So this story is about Musa [AS] , before he was given prophet hood.
Hazrat Musa accidently killed a man and fled from the Pharoah to the city of Madyan.
Now, he found himself at a well when he arrived at the city of Madyan.
At the well he saw a group of men watering their flocks, and two women were standing behind waiting for  their turn since they could not jostle with the men for position. Seeing this injustice he took the flock of the women and watered them on their behalf amongst the men.
After he was finished, Musa [AS] went to a shade and made this beautiful dua,
Rabbi innee lima anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqeerun
“O My Lord! Truly am I in (desperate) need of any good that You bestow on me!”
[Surah Qasas:24]
Immediately aferwards, Musa [AS] was asked by one of the two sisters to come meet their old father who wanted to reward Musa [AS] for watering the flock of his daughters by marrying him to one of his daughters, and that too on the request of his daughter.
I heard this story in one of Nauman Ali Khan's lectures and it just struck me as deeply profound.
I mean Musa [AS] asked Allah that he is in desperate need of any khair to come from Allah, and Allah  gave him a house, a family and a job all in one go!

Believe it or not, this dua has worked miracles for me and although this is really personal for me, I'll share this in the hope that if you are reading this and standing at that particular crossroad in life; that this shall enlightnen you with a flicker of hope as it enlightened me.

Sooo I remember being in a really uncertain place in my life last year.
It was a time in my life when I had lost all courage and willpower to venture forth into what awaited after the safe havens of college life.
So there I was , being bombarded by aunties ; uncertain about whether I'll pursue housejob or sit down for steps ; not sure if I even wanted to get hitched any time soon ; completely utterly confused and not only about these wordly matters but other things too ;and I remember I just had this one dua on my tongue all the time.
I didn't want to settle for someone I wasn't excited to spend the rest of my life with and at the same time I felt I was being ungrateful every time I refused. I wasn't sure if I was going to go ahead with my housejob and I was certain I was never going to get an internship in the ward I wanted to be in as I was too low on the list for it.
But I remember praying incessantly.
Now you might call it mere coincidence or if you may, you might call it a miracle  but it was at the exact same day last year that I finally met the guy who is soon to become my husband InshaAllah aaaand bagged the internship I wanted.
Job tick!
Life partner tick! (InshaAllah)
How could I possibly not relate that to Hazrat Musa's story!?
Say MashaAllah!

Know your centre
Most important of all, whether you are married, engaged, single or whatever, keep that status in one of the many quadrants of the human heart and not at the centre.
Let the centre be occupied by Who shall truly never leave your side!
Let me end this with a quote;

“It takes three to make love, not two: you, your spouse, and God. Without God people only succeed in bringing out the worst in one another. Lovers who have nothing else to do but love each other soon find there is nothing else. Without a central loyalty life is unfinished.” ― Fulton J. Sheen, Lessons from Cana and Calvary

"Jangalon mein bhi, raastay tou hain"

I had a perplexing dream last year and it eluded me then as to why I woke up from something seemingly so pleasant all shivering and teary-eyed ; it eludes me still.

In my dream, it is too loud and I am engulfed by a bright blur of people.

I decide to break away and pursue a solitary pathway in the woods nearby when I notice I have no shoes on!

It is a beautiful winter afternoon though and I am convinced I shall find my lost shoes in the woods so I set out anyways.

I keep going on and on until I forget what I was looking for.

And like Robert Frost, I come to a point where two roads emerge in the woods.

The complexity now, is that they both look ALIKE ; equally sunny, equally beautiful, equally mysterious!

Where to go?

Bass iss aik sawal kay sath ankh khul gayi.

As much as I tried to just let it slide the two pathways kept invoking something inside of me ; a reality that perhaps I was unconsciously trying to turn a blind eye towards.

Perhaps like many before me, I too had arrived on the crossroads.

When faced with the diversion in the woods, with one signpost pointing North and the other South, how do you decide which way to follow?

And if you decide to pave your own path, who is your compass?

What is your compass?

Most importantly, where do you want to go?

I feel now, that I have done myself a lot of wrong.

For all these years,despite the qalma on my lips, I have always thought of the Afterlife as something in another dimension, jo jab aye gi tou dekhi jaye gi sort of a thing, what a hypocrite!

The Akhira to me was something I could always put on hold, like hey! sure karleingay us ka samaan bhi, I have got time.

But honey, we ain't got no time.

Tick, tock.

All the roads lead to only one Final Destination.

He awaits.

And you are going to meet Him.

When all the curtains you have conversed to the Beloved behind shall rise, what would that moment be like?

One can only but wonder.

What one can do in the meantime is , be prepared!

Has it ever amazed you how each nimaz is nothing but a rehearsal for that final Meeting?

When you step away from the ground and on the janemaz , do you truly renounce this life?

Do you surrender?

Attar laments in his "Manteq al-Tayr";

"The way is open

But there is neither traveler

Nor guide"

Don't worry!

If you are willing to go, you will find a way.

Ask Allah to open up a way for you and He will.

I have found myself without a map countless times and as I mentioned this to a friend (you know who you are), she pointed out that a conversation is a two way street.

"Nimaz mein aap Allah sey baat kartay ho.

Magar us guftagoo ka jawab aap ko Quran mein milay ga"

How beautiful, MashaAllah! 

Her words were what compelled me to reach up to the highest book shelf and swipe the dust off the Map I had always had but was completely blind to.
JazakAllah you-know-who-you-are!

Guidance 101

Of the two equally alluring pathways, I have come to a conclusion that Shaiytan can blind us at times and make all that we do appear beautiful to ourselves, phir banda apnay aap sey muhabbat karnay lagta hai, apna aap sahi lagta hai aur baaki sab ghalat.

When things go according to plan, we glorify ourselves.

When they don't, ahista ahista, we begin to romanticize sadness, we eventually give up on hope and become to ourselves, "beautiful" disasters.

But fear not! When you can't trust yourselves with whats right and wrong , you can still trust Him! When you set your priorities right, everything else automatically falls in place.

Beg for Him to make the directions on the Map easy to decipher for you!

"and know that Allah cometh in between a man and his heart, and that it is He to Whom ye shall (all) be gathered." (Surah Al-Anfal, 24)


Beg for Him to come between you and your heart when a disease engulfs it.

He is after all, The Turner of hearts!

Beg him to turn yours.

He crafted us individually and He, better than anyone else, understands how hard it is for us to give up certain things in life.
Someone you know may have an internal clock that wakes them up at Fajr, tadaa and you might find it hard to drag yourself to offer Jummah even.
Don't panic!
Don't despair!
He knows!
He acknowledges your effort!

The question is,
What of what you hold so dear in this life, love so much, are you willing to give up to seek the
Beloved's approval?

Ahh! Sometimes I wonder..

What would it be like, at the end of this arduous journey that is this wordly life, to make out your shadow from afar as we run to greet one another under the One Hundred Years long tree, InshaAllah!?

You coming?

Ya Allah! Become our intuition and guide us, for You will never lead us astray.

Ya Allah! Make beautiful to us, only that which is beautiful to you.

Ya Allah! From this life, let us take only that which sustains us.

Ya Allah! Let us give away ourselves bit by bit till only that of us remains that can weightlessly float away and up

Ameen

3.11.16

I wake up.
I don't have the strength to drag myself out of bed.
And why should I anyways?
What is the point of this auto-pilot I have myself on?

I stare at the ceiling.
I stare at the poster on the wall facing the bed ; ever since my baby sister mentioned it, it has always seemed to me like there was a rat coming out of Paul McCartney's open mouth.
I want to tear the poster.

I roll over.
There are flowers on my bedside, miniature lilac daffodils, "I wandered lonely as a cloud", I laugh to myself and push them away, out of sight.
There are two tiny scented tealights on the table too.
The candles liquify as they lit, how metaphorical!

With the tealights lie the matchsticks.
Ah! how about setting the room on fire?

I see no point in getting up, in running in this rat race , in living.

But I must.

I get up, I part the curtains to let in the feeble smog-infused sunlight.
Ah, even the sun has decided to desert me today I wonder.
As a person easily amused by self, happy in solitude, I felt perplexed to be standing there, looking out the window, feeling so lonely, so empty.

They are building apartments a few blocks away and I see a man on the rooftop, he looked at the sky and then below.
I wondered if he was planning on jumping.
I almost whispered, "Jump"
You jump and I will set the room on fire, the show will go on.

Turns out he was shouting instructions to someone below.
I turn around to go and brush my teeth too.

But then I hear a chirp.
And then another.
I turn around and I just can't stop the tears.
Warm, happy tears ,making me feel ashamed of my thoughts, of my selfishness!

ALHAMDULILLAH!

Ever looked at the sky and seen that cloud, that giant-gay-turtle-floating-aimlessly-in-the-light-blue-sky-cloud and wondered if it was put there just for you?
For you to see on a lucky Sunday afternoon?
For you , so you could quietly hum Louis Armstrong's "What a wonderful world" to?
For you , so you would just be overcome with joy and exclaim "Subhan Allah"?

This is how I felt, to see these rare birds, showing up to keep me company.
To make me see the point in getting up, in running in this rat race and in living.

From that day on wards, never have I witnessed any sort of animals outside my window again.
Miracles happen people!
Perhaps to remind you that He, as distant as He may seem, is closer to you than your own self.
And at times like these, He will make you shut your eyes and whisper to yourself , "Do not leave me to myself even for the blink of an eye"
Ameen.

Me? Moth!

I have levitated around the candle for a long time, caught in a whirlpool of captivation.
And in this revolution I have collided with others, only to realize what I have been on a quest for, has been on a quest for me.

You and I are nothing, we are but mere moths.
Lets venture towards the Luminescence.

To break free I must surrender, I must transform.
So watch me burn, watch me glow, watch me annihilate!



                     

Recently started reading " The Conference of the Birds" by Farid ud-din Attar.
And the words above hardly seem to be my own, heavily influenced I must admit.
Anyways new goal in life : become the moth who dared.
Read on.

The moths and the flame - by Farid ud-Din Atta
"Moths gathered in a fluttering throng one night

To learn the truth about the candle light,

And they decided one of them should go

To gather news of the elusive glow.

One flew till in the distance he discerned

A palace window where a candle burned —

And went no nearer: back again he flew

To tell the others what he thought he knew.

The mentor of the moths dismissed his claim,

Remarking: “He knows nothing of the flame.”

A moth more eager than the one before

Set out and passed beyond the palace door.

He hovered in the aura of the fire,

A trembling blur of timorous desire,

Then headed back to say how far he’d been,

And how much he had undergone and seen.

The mentor said: “You do not bear the signs

Of one who’s fathomed how the candle shines.”

Another moth flew out — his dizzy flight

Turned to an ardent wooing of the light;

He dipped and soared, and in his frenzied trance

Both self and fire were mingled by his dance —

The flame engulfed his wing-tips, body, head,

His being glowed a fierce translucent red;

And when the mentor saw that sudden blaze,

The moth’s form lost within the glowing rays,

He said: “He knows, he knows the truth we seek,

That hidden truth of which we cannot speak.”

To go beyond all knowledge is to find

That comprehension which eludes the mind,

And you can never gain the longed-for goal

Until you first outsoar both flesh and soul;

But should one part remain, a single hair

Will drag you back and plunge you in despair —

No creature’s self can be admitted here,

Where all identity must disappear."

Them 4 a.m talks

Conversations

Baatein.

Guftugoo.

Solitude may serve us well, but one must also converse, keep the dialogue of the universe in motion.

And the conversations that take place  raat kay chaar bjay, kher un ki tou baat hi aur hai.

4 a.m is the mystery hour after all, the hour of yearning , the hour of insomnia , bla bla..

Haha!

(Seen the TED talks on the 4 a.m mystery? Please do , hilarious!)

Seen this cheesy quote before?

I recently met up with a friend after almost ten years and we were talking about introversion n extroversion n what has served us best in our ten years apart.

And she's like "Amna, log jitnay bhi achay dost kiun na hon , jis ko jab mauka milay, aap ko nanga kar chorta hai"

Truly , as explicitly as she put it, this is the truth.

Now, Alhamdulillah I have the most amazing friends and shukar hai abhi tak izzat rakhi hui hai but aksar aisay hi hota hai.

Log enjoy kartay hain.

Log leverage akatha kartay hain.

Log prey on your insecurities.

Tou banda baat karey tou kis sey karey?

Also,there is a lot of stuff that you can't discuss, not even with your mom , not even with your bestfriend, as a matter of fact even the most outspoken exroverts amongst us tend to keep that one layer intact, impenetrable ; the last page of the open book taped in , unread.

So where do you go carrying that burden?

Banda akhir kis k agay dil halka karey?

Also also, Is it just me or do the rest of you also find it getting harder to communicate with people?

I mean yes, hello , hey, small talk , kia dekh rahey ho, kia sun rahey ho aajkal, bas idhar tak hi manage hota hai most of these days.

Anyways, It was three-ish late night and I was lying in my room, lights off kar k, worrying about something.

Text aya.

I didnt feel like talking.

Instead of pressing me on k btao ,btao, btao, kia hua hai this person (Thankyou, you know who you are) suggested that I get up , perform wudu, and offer two nafal and pour it all out to Him.

And so I did.

And the next day.

And the next day.

Religion to me has always been an extremely personal affair, and the thought of writing about it too commercial.

You don't write about your relationships, now, do you?

But then again , we are all struggling and just because of this new habit, I am struggling a little better.

How?

Well heres how..

It has made me more grateful.

I started by thanking Him one day for putting me in the state of mind I am right now, for I have worn many drab, woolen thinking caps through the years  and only He and I know what it has taken to arrive here. 

The next day, for the endless love he has surrounded me with, in the form of family and friends.

The next for this sense of belonging that has suddenly settled in me, a very rare feeling and as I have come to experience, a human need.

And it hit me how the list is inexhaustible , Alhamdulillah!

And how for years, I have lived in the ivory tower of ungratefulness, always drawing comparisons and thinking about the many imaginative ways to kill myself, Astaghfirullah!

I am learning to trust.

Zindagi mein baray khoobsurat inkishaaf hotay hain , and one changes, from being the person who would tell every random detail about everything to the random girl sitting next to one by chance at a random shaadi, to someone who is distrustful to the extent of weighing each sentence a thousand times before speaking and choosing to remain silent in the end.

"Leave the world behind you, five times a day" they say.

But how about choosing to leave it behind you, one more time, in the wee hours of the night?

Imagine having a conversation with Him, as everyone else lies asleep.

Imagine Him listening to your supplications.

Imagine Him answering?!?

TAHAJJUD IS THE BEST 4 A.M TALK YOU WILL EVER HAVE.
Period.

I read this beautiful account somewhere :
When Habeebah al-‘Adawiyyah prayed , she would say, “O my God, the stars have come out, people have gone to sleep, and kings have closed their doors, but Your door is open. Every lover is alone with his lover, but here I am standing before You.” 

Isn't it the most beautiful thing?

It has made me more aware.

It seems like the only time I am truly free of the confines of time and space.

It has brought me peace. 

So a very dear friend, who never lets a conversation go by without talking about Allah (which is the one thing I love the most about her) once suggested, at a time I was incessantly worrying about the uncertainty of where my life was heading (and other things), that I start practicing "Tawakkul".

As Wikipedia defines it, "Tawakkul" is seen as "perfect trust in God and reliance on Him alone."

So I made a memo about her exact words(I am forever indebted to you ,if you are reading this!), a rhetorical one liner, and whenever I had the urge to go on a deranged worrying spree, I would read that and it has lit a light in a little apple-green floating candle within me, a light that has now spread to the the other worry compartments too.

It worries me that I might soon enough be completely worry free, is that humanly possible?

     


And can you imagine my surprise when I discovered I had been uttering such perfect words of Tawakkul in every rakat ,without ever realizing the depth of them?!
‘You Alone we worship and You Alone we ask for help’
[Surah al-Faatihah: 5] "The Opening"
I hope this isn't just for the now and that Allah gives me the strength to keep this light ablaze, not only on paper, or in thought but also if and when He chooses to try me.

(P.S If you are my friend and not in my memo, you need to start making better conversation, Up your game people!)

It has given me something to look forward to.
Back in the fat days, I used to look forward to night time cause of the pancakes I would make at four in the morning.
Now its a totally different affair.

(I still do make pancakes)


It makes me feel happy.
For a larger part of my life, I used to believe that life is meant to be lived in punishment ,I was always too careful of the few moments of happiness as they may slip through my fingers a-n-y time now-w.
But I realize now that Allah wants us to be happy.
Islam teaches us to be happy!

Naaaaaaikis on a roll, man!
It will never cease to amaze me how awesome Islam is.
I mean you are doing something that benefits you and you get brownie naiki-points for choosing to benefit your own self, how awesome is that?

Also.
There is something about watching another person offer prayers.
Am I creepy? or do the rest of you also secretly watch others pray?
Quoting NFK here,
                             "Tum jo aa jatey ho masjid mein adaa karnay namaz
                                    Tum ko maloom he kitnon ki qazaa hoti hai?"
A person praying, uff.

So 2015 draws to an end, and I have a feeling everything is drawing to an end as it is , so here is to welcoming 2016 and praying and watching others pray and praying some more.

Shush

Have you ever had one of those dreams where some extraordinarily paralyzing force grips you and you can't move?
And you can't run?
And you can't talk and your chest is being crushed and you can't breathe?
And you are struggling to form words and your tongue wont move?
And even when it moves and you are screaming ,nothing comes out of your open mouth?

And you are drowning.
But you can't swim because your arms weigh you down.
and the anchor hits bottom.

And you can't make those eyes turn?

Fuseli - The nightmare

And even after its all over and you wake up, someone is still holding you down by the wrists and you can't move and you just stare at the ceiling and wait for the feeling to pass.

That's how it feels to be around you.
And that's why I wont talk.

And it still feels so good to feel that.
Cause it feels good to feel anything at all.
I am, perhaps not a vegetable, after all.

And anyways, haven't you felt like there is nothing substantial to be said anymore, like when you have exhausted yourself, spoken so much that you have run out of words?
There’s uncharacteristic warmth in silence, which no word could ever afford, no?

That's exactly why I won't talk.

I dreamt of you last night

Just you and I, like old times.
We are on a hill and everything is just so blindingly green that it makes my eyes hurt.
You are wearing blue and you are waving to me from a distance.
I roll down one end of the hill towards a plain piece of land.
I can hear you laugh as I roll down, I have my eyes shut tight but I open them from time to time, there are these sharp blades of grass (a happy sharp, not an evil poke-your-eyes-out sharp, mind you) and there is moss on the few rocks here and there and there are kites in the air and the sky is cheerfully blue.
You roll down another end, arms in the air, squealing in delight but your end is steeper and you end up at bottom, in a pile of rocks.
So we decide to have a go again from my, less-steeper, end.
But there are all these gypsy children here now and they are flinging down goats and water cans and these twisted silver knobs and we have to wait for our turn.
And I turn to say something to you and you are gone.
But it is my dream and I already knew you would leave so it is okay.

I wake up and I am happy.
You must be doing okay too.
I think about texting you but then I don’t.

In my dream, we were happy even when the kids start throwing rubble down the hill and we couldn’t get a turn.
We were happy even when you go away because I knew you were happy wherever you disappeared off to and because being alone didn’t terrify me.
The dream makes me smile.
And then it makes me terribly upset for the rest of the day.
The subconscious really doesn’t have a clue about what has long died, does it?

“When you are young, you think you can get rid of people and things and leave them behind.
Time is frozen in dreams.
You can never get away from where you have been.” – Margaret Atwood.

The subconscious contains within it, a plethora of emotions, hopes, fears, memories.
Muddle up these very essential ingredients and you have dreams.
What do you dream of?

I dream of my own version of the Triwizard tournament a lot.
I dream of this place with crazy elevators a lot too, I can never decide where to get off.
Each elevator leads to only one shop and although its very loud, I am the only person in the mall.
And I dream of Kashmir a lot.
And desserts and the foggy darkness outside an airplane window on a late night flight and dogs.
Once I dreamt I had grey wings and I flew to the highest point one could possibly fly to.
At that point, between the moon and the stars and the dark clouds was a well and my wings withered and fell into the well and I came falling all the way down.
I dream also of what inevitably awaits us, death.
Not my own, never my own, but you guys, you all die in imaginative ways and I always wake up in a cold sweat.
One thing that is present in almost all of my nightmares is gauze; pale white and fragile and the way it clings so lovingly to the wound.
Nearly all of my worst nightmares culminate in a string of gauze spread out upon a stretcher; signifying death most probably.

I dream of horrendous ideas.
I dream of all kinds of events occurring.
But the most important aspect is usually people. *small mind*
Some appearances are so frighteningly recurring that one seems to wonder why these people have nowhere else to crash for the night, why always your sofa?
Others are sweet and surprising.
Some people come to remind us of days gone by, they come unchanged.
What concepts we sometimes do manage to grasp in the real, we forget entirely when we imagine.
And thus, mostly people appear as you like them to be; just a figment of your imagination and perfectly so.
What you think you have let go of in real, sometimes you cling on to as tightly in the world of the subconscious.
Some people , although they may not make an appearance are always there, sleeping upstairs, in another room, out of your view but always, reassuringly there.
Some people come back from the dead to let us make that one last conversation we wanted to have.
Other people have a habit of watching you out of the shadows, an eye peering out of a corner and you have to be careful not to look back.
You get used to them being there all the time, and it ceases to scare you.

With our eyes open, we know what to do, how to react, what to say.
With our eyes shut, we lose all reason.
What we spend days convincing ourselves to forget, our subconscious brings up again at night.
Behind our shut eyes, it replays each and every memory, improved, with innovative conclusions and leading to new beginnings.
The subconscious is but a tormenter.
The leash it keeps us on is hope.
Does it not understand that there is nothing crueler to a person than false hope?

"And the days, they linger on
And every night, what I'm waiting for
Is the real possibility I may meet you in my dream

And sometimes you're there
And you're talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you're next to me"

I do have my very own dream catcher.
It just doesnt work. :/